I have discovered that no matter how you quantify time it doesn’t go faster.  Weeks may sound like less time than days, work days less that months, whatever, but time, well, takes it’s time.  I have five weeks as of this writing, of work and none of them full five day weeks for one reason or another.  I have practically divested myself of my projects at work and now I just have to wait.  And that is my problem currently.

I have written before about the stress and anxiety I am feeling.  It seems counter-intuitive, but its there.  Like graduating from high school or getting married, retirement is a big life change. It brings both anticipation and the fear of the unknown.  I want to retire so badly and begin my new life, but on the other hand I fear the challenges.  Will I be able to keep busy or will I settle into the life of a couch potato?  Will the Sunday horrors, that feeling you get on Sunday as you begin to dread Monday, go away?  Will I feel depressed or will I feel exuberant.  Will I be able to pay my bills?  Will I have to go back to work?  I never claimed these feelings were rational.

Now I have given myself a case of the shingles.  Left over chicken pox virus that lays dormant until awakened by, you guessed it, stress.  At least that is probably what happened in my case.  Its not horrible, but it has reminded me what stress can do to a person.  I am currently taking a figurative deep breath.  I have a long weekend and I have been thinking things over.  I am settling into a ‘whatever’ kind of attitude.  Just go to work, hang out, try and enjoy and move on in a month.

I suppose its kind of like winning the Superbowl.  You don’t know what it feels like until you’ve done it and it can’t be explained.  I wasn’t prepared for the approach to retirement.  I didn’t expect it to feel like this.  It probably doesn’t for everyone, but I think this is revealing how truly unhappy I am at work.  I think this stress and anxiety, even depression, was there for years.  I just didn’t know it and now it is being intensified as the end gets near.

I know in my mind that retirement will be what I make of it.  I know that I won’t become a couch potato unless I let myself become one.  I will settle into a lifestyle that suits me.  I just have had my life on hold for so many months due to the stress of work that I can’t quite believe I am going to retire.  I have been looking forward to this for years (decades actually) and now I am in the home stretch.  Sometimes I feel like I won’t make it, but I know I will.  It’s just that the waiting sucks!

p.s.  I am aware of how some folks will view this.  They will think I am crazy.  Stressed out about retiring?  Well, I know I am not the only one who goes through this.  I write this so someone else going though it might take solace that it is not uncommon.

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